Field notes from the underworld

A psychic once told me she could see one of my guides.

A dragonfly, she said, and it’s swirling around your shoulders.

Curious about spirit guides, I did a guided meditation on the Insight Timer app called “connect with your spirit guides”. There are some pretty out-there guided meditations on that app, if you’re into that kind of thing.

I called the guide forward in my mind’s eye, and I could see it too: A brilliant blue dragonfly was swirling before me in a rhythmic infinity sign pattern. It looked like an iridescent, scaly ouroboros, folded in half at the middle, eating its own tail, yet still entirely whole.

Dragonflies (and the ouroboros) signify transformation and the life-death-life cycle, themes I am very familiar with as a Scorpio rising with Pluto (the planet of transformation) sitting right on my ascendant. That means, for better or worse, transformation is central to my identity. And oh, how I have changed.

I once thought that maturity and evolution was all about adding things to my personality. And these things would be accomplishments: more degrees, more money, more experiences, a big house, and maybe a child or two.

I now see the process of evolution as something more uncomfortable, profound, and even humbling—like a dragonfly molting its exoskeleton (which they do 5 to 14 times in their short lives.)

Change always requires death. In fact, my biggest transformations have been born out of sudden losses that seemed to happen without my consent. And even when I chose the changes in my life, it wasn’t without mourning the loss of something else: a country that was home, an outdated dream, a cushy-yet-soul-depleting job, old social scripts I once lived by but held me captive, relationships that once brought great joy, but soured, to name a few.

I can’t deny that this shedding has always gotten me closer to my true self. It’s brought the satisfaction of building my own life. Access to a deeper power within myself. The space to create something new. True love, even. Carl Jung once wrote, “the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” But nobody ever told me that process would be so intense.

The same psychic said I am supposed to teach people about regeneration through my writing. But I feel tucked away in a cocoon right now, in yet another death cycle, unsure of what is around the corner. I can only write what is true right now. So, hello from the underworld. I have field notes (and other goodies) below: